Can you feel it?

Have you ever really stopped to think about how someone else feels about something? 

I mean really?

WE encounter people frequently who seem to be rude , or angry, or sad, or maybe a little strange, and we pass judgement about them and move on. Never pausing to think about what might actually be going on in their life.

Brene' Brown  has several books on the subject, but this video will give you a brief but powerful lesson on Empathy

Empathy by Brene' Brown

Empathy Fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection. 

On my Journey of learning I have a gay son, I have learned a lot about empathy. Now I thought I was a pretty empathetic and compassionate person before , but There was so much for me to learn and discover. It really takes practice. 

If I just feel bad ( sympathy) that someone feels left out, or picked on,sad, or angry, there is no way for me to connect with them. They do not feel validated or heard. They will never feel as if I

 really care. 

But when I can try and understand where they are coming from. Try and put myself in their shoes.

WE can find a common ground. I  can begin to "FEEL " what they are feeling. 

With so much happening in the world right now with racial tensions and people "picking sides " for one thing or another, we can never come to a peaceful understanding. 

What I have also learned is that having empathy can be very painful. As I said before I thought I was a pretty compassionate person. I will bring you a meal, send you a card, run some errands whatever you need. Sometimes what they need is just someone to listen. Someone to understand. You don't 

have to agree with them, or even completely "get it"  to have empathy. 

I love this quote by Mother Theresa " if you are judging someone, you have no time to love them"

  

Now for those who don't know me, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormon as some know it. 

When I was baptized I made a promise to take upon my self the name of Jesus Christ.

That I would follow him. 

In our scriptures  Mosiah 18:9 it makes it very clear what our commitment is.

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— 

My responsibility is to be a disciple of Christ. The first and great commandment is to "Love the Lord thy God with all thy hear and in all thy ways acknowledge him." The second is like unto it." Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Who is my Neighbor??

That is the question we must all ask ourselves and then realize that Everyone is our neighbor. The Savior wants us to love everyone. He needs us to look after one another. 

To help one another.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. 

I think so many people confuse loving and not judging with acceptance or condoning. WE will not always agree with others, we may not understand , but that does not mean we cannot love them or have empathy for them. 

It really made me sad when comments after the Pulse night club shooting were said in effect that." Well , look where they were . They deserved it." 

So because someone is gay and chose to hangout in a place where they were accepted for who they were, they deserved to be shot? 

OR comments after many of the  police shootings, "well, they were running away, they had a history of problems with the law "and on and on..

So again because they were not perfect and maybe they were scared and ran away, they deserved to be shot?? 

Is that what we have come to as a people? 

Now I am not here to be controversial . I am not judging the police officers, nor the victims, but can't we try and understand how the families of those who are killed are hurting? They just lost their  Father, Son, uncle , brother. 

Can we try and understand that most police officers are really just trying to protect and serve? That they are put in situations where they have to make snap judgments of what they think is best and there is no ill intent involved?  

Instead of taking a stand on our moral high ground, Can't we just try and find common ground? A human decency to look at them as another human being who is struggling with something right now? Probably more than we could ever imagine.

IT seems as if everyone thinks their opinion is the only one that matters. 

That they are right, and any other viewpoint is WRONG

I guess the best part of this should be that we don't have to carry the burden of being the judge in these situations. Our responsibility is to reach and and be understanding of all sides. Try and have a paradigm shift  and see it from the other persons point of view.   

Listen

Take it in

Try and step into their world for a minute

As a parent, we teach our children and set examples and hope they will follow them, but sometimes they make choices we don't agree with. Sometimes they find themselves in some dark places. 

Do we reach out in love to the parents or  even the individual? 

Or do we say. " well that's too bad.  It's their own fault." 

" They deserve it" 

Another such incident is at the Olympics when Gabby Douglas did not put her hand over her heart at the Medal ceremony. She was crucified all over social media for that.

 Why didn't she? 

 I don't know, but I don't really need to know. I would hope that it is not some disrespect for our country, but ultimately it is her right and choice to do so. 

I choose to think that maybe she was a bit overwhelmed having competed in her last Olympics, Having won a gold medal and was just taking it all in . 

Meaning no disrespect at all. 

To be in the spotlight of millions as you had a moment of contemplation and failed to do a simple act of placing your hand on your heart.

I certainly would not want a camera following my every move. To have every action I took scrutinized by the masses who expect their own version of perfection.

Well guess what ?? 

None of us are perfect

We all mess up sometimes. We all have had those lapses in judgement when handling a difficult situation.

AS we practice having Empathy for others our hearts will expand. WE will find a greater understanding and love we have not felt before. The down side to that is, that sometimes it can be very painful.

 Recently a friend of ours lost their 15 yr old daughter in a fluke incident when  she had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic  after having her wisdom teeth removed. 

The empathy I felt for them was almost unbearable. A friend actually posted a comment that she "felt guilty that she just kept crying"  She should not feel guilty. Her empathy for our friend did not negate the feelings of those parents. It just proved that she was truly feeling empathy . WE could put ourselves in her their shoes and "feel the hurt "of losing one of our children.

WE don't need to let it consume us, but if we are truly going to be able to comfort and mourn with others, we need to "feel it" 

That Empathy will fuel a connection that can be gained no other way 

I am no expert or authority on anything, just a mom who is trying to make the world a little better for her family and those around her.

It makes me sad to see the hatred and mean spirited things that are being done and said to others in the name of "principles" or for any reason.  

As a follower of Christ I am certainly not perfect, and I have much to learn, but I do strive to do what he would want me to do. I strive to be a little better. To love a little more, be a little kinder. Each day I have a choice in whom I will emulate and follow. 

Im sure there are people out there who wish I would just stop talking about or posting things about LGBT issues . 

I won't

I can't

If I can help one person who is traveling that journey not feel isolated and alone, then I have dome what my Savior requires of me. If I can keep one person from taking their life because they can reach out to me and know I will listen and be there for them, 

I will have done my job

If I can be there for a mother when she has to bury her child because they just couldn't bear the pain and they took their life, 

I will hug her and cry with her and give her all the support and understanding I can. 

They are children of God and they deserve the same rights and privileges that we enjoy. They deserve to find love and be loved.

I will be a voice of Hope 

There are so many difficult things we must face in this life. Our background and experiences are all different.WE all have different perspectives. Why not try and learn from those ? 

Maybe we could all try ..... Just try and give others the benefit of the doubt.

 Seek to truly understand where they might be coming from. IF you still disagree with them. 

That's ok. 

We can still be kind.

We can still show love and empathy.

We can agree to disagree ... Agreeably 

Maybe ... Just maybe we will find more peace in our own life.

Exercise makes us stronger

At the gym today I noticed a few men who were working the circuit of Weight machines with me. I noticed a larger gentleman who appeared to be in good physical health, and as he switched to use the Machine after me, He had to reduce the weight that I had just used on the machine. This happened a few times and It made me think about the fact that I , A much smaller, woman, was able to lift more weight than this man. Not because I am necessarily stronger, but Because I have been consistently exercising those muscles, and have conditioned myself to where I am able to lift a heavier load than a few of these men.

I have to admit for a few minutes I was a bit "proud " of my accomplishments, but then my mind turned to another type of "exercise,"
An Exercise of the heart ,  our capacity to Love others, and see them as God sees them.

 Five years ago, I think I was pretty good at loving and not judging, but now with the growth and "exercise" I have had by learning that I have a gay son , I can Love so much more .

My ability to look past the labels, and boxes that people are in. To  see their eyes, and look into their hearts has grown tremendously.
The exercise I have used to try and be more like my Savior each day, has strengthened my ability to be a better child of God. I am certainly not perfect by any means, but I am stronger.

Another exercise is that of listening to the Still small voice and following its promptings. Learning to recognize that the Lord will often speak to us through Feelings


D&C 8:2-3  Yea, behold, I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.

 3 Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation

D&C 9:8-9  

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

9 But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing which is wrong; therefore, you cannot write that which is sacred save it be given you from me.

For years I have been praying about these issues regarding my gay son and so many others. I have not had any great revelations, but I have had MANY feelings,impressions and answers through music and other means, but mostly from the feelings that accompanied these experiences..

There was no denying that what I was feeling was what the Lord wanted me to know and DO.   As I exercised recognizing the spirits promptings in my life, It got easier. I could recognize when I would have those strong feelings that what I was doing was exactly what the Lord wanted me to do, even though many in the world , would judge me and even criticize me for doing something against what "they" thought was right.
People could not understand why a good mormon woman would go to a Gay pride parade, and then even go to a festival and give out hugs.

Hmm....... So do they think that they really didn't deserve to have my friendship and Love ?
I spent 10 hours at that festival talking with people, Listening to their stories and yes, hugging many of them.

The spirit let me know that I was doing exactly as the Savior expected of me. That does not mean I didn't have some anxious feelings. I spent a good majority of the day at our booth alone, because no one else would join me. That was a bit hard, and it gave me pause to reflect on the events going on. As I continued to exercise my Faith and trust in the Lord to help me accomplish his work, it became easier. Being a shy person compounded my anxiety to have to talk to,  and hug perfect strangers, but as I let the spirit work through me I could even approach them before they came to our booth.

 I remember a particular young woman. My guess was she was about 20-22 years old. She had a bit of a look of disgust on her face as she approached our booth, and she asked" Are you really a Mormon? " Yes I am I told her. I go to church every week. She said "so Why are you doing this? "  I explained that I was just there to show love and compassion to them. That even though I was Mormon that I loved them and I wanted to be there for them if they needed someone to talk to , or even if they just needed a hug"  She paused and stared at me for a moment then told me her heartbreaking story of growing up Mormon and Gay. How she was ostracized from her family . I cried with her, and when she was done, She said "this is cool"  I asked her if I could give her a hug and she agreed. I could sense her staunch demeanor melting just a bit as I could step in for just a moment and extend to her some love and understanding she had so desperately needed for so many years. All I did was listen for a while and give her a hug, but I knew it made a difference. We met many other wonderful people and even families. One is pictured here. These gentleman have adopted 4 children ( only the littlest one is pictured here)






“Your happiness now and for the eternities will unquestionably be determined by whether or not you follow the spiritual guidance of the Lord communicated through the Holy Ghost…


“The counsel of others and the programs of the Church are useful aids but not the best source of fundamental direction in your life. That guidance comes from the Lord through the Holy Ghost.


“Spirituality yields two fruits. The first is inspiration, that is, to know what to do. The second is power—the power of God or the capacity to do what one has been instructed to accomplish.” (Richard G. Scott, Finding Peace, Happiness, and Joy, p. 39-40)


Just like Physical exercise helps our body become stronger,

When we exercise our heart, and our mind , they become stronger. Why do they give us math problems to take home for homework? Because the "exercise " helps us learn the skill better.


So many in todays world do not want to exercise the skill of empathy, or even compassion. It takes effort to step out of the comfortable box that you know and listen to an others story. To truly try and see their point of view. It does not mean in the end that you may even agree with them. That is OK. But when you allow your heart to be open to the spirit of another, you cannot help but be changed. Little by little you will become better at being a true disciple of Christ. OF mourning with those who mourn, Bearing one anothers burdens and comforting those who stand in need of Comfort.

Working with Special needs children, I have been with some difficult children and adults. Life for some of them has been very difficult. AS I set aside my prejuidces and try to see them as the Savior sees them, I can find an empathy and love that I would not otherwise have. It does not mean I may not still struggle with their behaviors, but I can still love them. I can still do all in my power to help them. And least of all I can have empathy for the path they have walked.

I think all of us can use a little more exercise in our lives , in helping all of Gods children through this difficult journey of life.





from M Russel Ballard New Era March 2016





I believe that if we could truly understand the Atonement of the Lord Jesus Christ, we would realize how precious is one son or daughter of God. I believe our Heavenly Father’s everlasting purpose for His children is generally achieved by the small and simple things we do for one another. At the heart of the English word atonement is the word one. If all mankind understood this, there would never be anyone with whom we would not be concerned, regardless of age, race, gender, religion, or social or economic standing. We would strive to emulate the Savior and would never be unkind, indifferent, disrespectful, or insensitive to others. Richard G Scott

I think that says it all 

We are drowning

This past week has been pretty difficult to say the least. On Thursday evening Nov 5th, news broke about the new "policy " regarding same sex couples and their children.I understand that the media can sensationalize things, SO at first I thought maybe it was some kind of Hoax. Sadly it was not.

 Clarification has come  that did ease some of the damage of the policy , In that those who already are "on the path" may continue. They will not have those things taken away from them. It also says that if their "primary residence " is not with the Gay family member then they are ok as well, But they have to disavow, 
( to disclaim knowledge of, connection with, or responsibility for; disown;) that parents relationship. They will never even be allowed to ever live with them.All others will have to wait until they are 18, and then they still have to disavow the practice of Same sex marriage,( the relationship) and may not ever reside with that parent. Which in some countries will be very difficult, as it is very common for children to live with their family well into their adult years.

Surely seems as if we are trying to destroy a family relationship.

We are drowning

We get that they are now drawing the line in the sand that same sex marriage is a grievous sin, but to extend that to their children? If they are a straight young man or woman, I don't think they are going to have any temptation to enter a same sex marriage, so they would not be participating in that sin.It should be just like anything else. They know the word of Wisdom, they know they should be honest in their dealings, They know the law of chastity, and they agree to follow those commandments. SO why must they "disavow" this particular sin.

So if a heterosexual parent is , embezzling, committing crimes of any kind, maybe involved in pornography, thefts, Infidelity or any "other sin" that is ok, The children are still perfectly fine to live with that parent, and enjoy the blessings of the gospel.?



IT clearly does not seem as if this is a fair and loving policy. It has shaken many of us parents, and even some who have no specific ties to the LGBT community , to our very core. As we have posted comments and articles asking for love and compassion, expressing our hurt and concern, many of us are being hit with Judgments and scorn.

Comments such as "why don't you just leave the church"

or "This is the sifting of the Wheat and the Tares" 

 and "this is like the separating of the  sheep and the goats"

"You just need to have faith and follow the leaders." Or even comments such as " I know it came from God, not the old guys who lead us" as If we had said something like that.

We are drowning ,

We need a life preserver, not someone to send us messages that we aren't doing it right, or someone to stand above as as we sink and yell to us things like"You shouldn't get so close to that"






This for many of us has sent us right back to that very difficult time when our lives were turned upside down as we discovered that one of our family members was gay.That little bubble so many of us live in was burst, and we were left drowning in the midst of despair.

 The pattern to follow , the perfect picture of the Mormon family was gone.

Hope faded. Tears and anger set in.  We had to reevaluate everything we had thought 

What did this mean for them ? for us as a family?

But we held on to hope that somehow this would be made right, That there would be a space for them in the gospel. Surely a loving Heavenly Father would not set his children up for failure.

How could the church we know and love, who teaches all about love and family , turn its back on a whole population of Gods children?  The tears just continue to flow as  we go about our daily tasks and try to make sense of it all. We struggle to walk into our church buildings only to be met with Silence, and rhetoric about how we need to "Stand tall, have courage to stand up against the evils of the world " 

That is my child you are calling evil. 

Can you not see how painful that is? He is not evil . He is a very kind and loving person. He is a hard worker and does his best to try and help those around him. To further the pain, its not even just about him.

 It is the many other LGBT people that I know and Love you are talking about. These individuals have to deal with more than you could ever imagine at the hands of others who want to judge and discard them. Have you had to sit with a mother after her child has committed suicide because of the bullying he has experienced? Have you had to worry for hours when you cannot reach someone you know is in total despair and might take his life. Have you sat and listened to a woman talk about feeling so alone and isolated because the church she loves and served a mission for now calls her an apostate just because she loves another woman? The pain and grief is real. Those of us on the front lines are losing the hope that we carried to help lift them up. When will we too be discarded and called apostates for loving and supporting our LGBT friends and family?

And now that hope is all but gone. We feel abandoned, we feel alone. We grieve for our children and family members whom this is devastating to.We grieve for those whom we have met along our journey, men, women , mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, children of God , who are now very clearly getting the message  that there is no place for you here. There is no place for your children and grandchildren.

Yes, I have watched the video by Elder Christofferson stating it is in the best interest of the children, Does that really make sense to you? In some cases I'm sure it might apply.  

This is what the Savior taught 

Luke 18:16 Jesus said Suffer the little children to come unto me and forbid them not.




3 Nephi 18:32 Nevertheless, ye shall not cast him out of your synagogues , or your places of worship, for unto such shall ye continue to minister; for ye know not but what they will return and repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal them; and ye shall be the means of bringing salvation unto them.




Luke 9 Teaches us a powerful lesson about what the Lord expects of us when others don't act they way we think they should . When James and John suggest that they bring fire down on the Samaritans who did not receive them well, HE offers this counsel..

But he turned, and rebuked them, and said, Ye know not what manner of spirit ye are of.


For the Son of man is not come to destroy men’s lives, but to save them. 

Are they really trying to save them, or are they destroying them?

Haven't we been taught to leave the 99 to seek for the one?

Why are we so quick to discard these individuals who have been born with Same sex attraction?

Take a walk in their shoes for a day. Could you live your life never having the companionship of a spouse? Never being able to even go on a date with someone you find interesting? worrying about being fired from your job or thrown out of your living quarters. OR how about even thrown out of your school?  Always having in the back of your mind that you are not worthy, you are defective at best, deviant at worst?

They are in every essence being "thrown out of the boat."

Why as Christians do we feel it is our duty and our right to Point out the faults of those around us?

To make ourselves feel better because their sins our worse than ours?

None of us are perfect. We all have struggles and challenges, We should be helping each other through those difficult times. We are already hurting and yet when we turn to the place that should offer refuge and comfort from the storms, we are battered and tossed about , or shunned.

Can you just mourn with us? Can you share our pain without judgment about our relationship with God? Can we cry on your shoulder? Can you be more careful about your rhetoric when you teach in church? Can you find a way to listen and try to understand?

From a post by Julie De Azevedo Hanks

To my fellow LDS friends...If someone comes to you for support and shares their hurt, sadness, confusion, anger about the recent LDS policy changes may I suggest some things to keep in mind?

1) Just Listen
Don't explain, preach, justify, quote scriptures, pontificate. Just nod your head, try to feel what they are feeling, and non-verbally show that you are engaged.
2) Empathize With Their Emotion
Even if you don't feel the same way or you don't understand why they are feeling the way they do, empathize and reflect back what they are sharing.
3) Don't Frame their Pain as a Lack of Faith
Avoid judgement, blame, shaming, or directive statements like, "If you would just..." or "I thought you had more faith than this" or "You should just..."
4) Acknowledge the Unanswered Questions
It's OK to say that you don't know. Validate the complexity and confusion associated with the situation.
5) Express Your Love
The condescending "bless your heart" pity-love won't work. Look him/her in the eye and share your love for her/him and your faith in the Savior.

Yes, many are resigning and walking away, but many are also staying.
Why you ask?


Because we love our Heavenly Father,

We love our Savior Jesus Christ.

We have testimonies ( although shaken a bit)

It is our church too, and just because we have questions and doubts, it does not negate all the things we do know.

WE feel it a responsibility and duty to follow our baptismal covenants , To bear one anothers burdens, Mourn with those who mourn, and comfort those who stand in need of comfort .

Many of us are mothers,   biologically and spiritually,  to some very precious souls who need us now more than ever.and will stand up for them.

If I can make a difference for even one soul to hang on and fight another day. I will be safe in knowing my Heavenly Father is pleased with me.

The first and great commandment is to Love the Lord they God with all thy heart might mind and strength, and the second is like unto it. Love thy neighbor as thyself.

 Pres. Spencer W Kimball stated. "God does notice us, but it is usually through another person that he meets our needs."

This fulfills both of those commandments. When we Love God , we serve and help others.

We don't belittle them. We don't discard them or turn them away. We think about the things we say and do and how that might hurt someone else.


D&C 137:9 For I, the Lord, will judge all men according to their works, according to the desire of their hearts.


Not one of us can really know the desire of anothers heart .

Leave it to God.

 Just LOVE THEM!




Just love us! 

Reach out a hand to help those who are drowning in despair right now over the loss of hopes and dreams and blessings. You don't have to agree or understand, but you can offer empathy and compassion. We gain empathy when we truly seek to understand someone elses position. And remember just because you don't think you know anyone who is affected by this, you probably are wrong.

I find comfort in the words of Alma to his son Helaman in chapter 36

And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.

I am counting on this.