Tragedy all around us

Las night in Las Vegas a gunman open fired on a concert killing at last count 58 people and wounding over 500 . The last month has seen devastating earthquakes in Mexico, Hurricanes in Texas, Florida and Puerto Rico as well as other islands. Fires ravage many states

People are struggling all around us. Some of us have been lucky enough to not have been directly affected by any of these. Some of us may have close family and friends affected. Many feel a sense of fear and hopelessness at the tragedies that surround them. We want to help. Where can we send money, food, clothing? Where can we donate? Where can we help.

 Maybe we can offer counseling services, or maybe you are a medical professional. Maybe you can donate blood. WE just want to be able to help relieve the suffering. People drove for hours with their boats to Texas to help people trapped by flood waters. Men left their families from all over the country to head to areas where they could help provide security, Power, Search and rescue.

How about those around us who are are struggling . hanging on by a thread.... In need of a life line

Many individuals  who are LGBTQ and especially those who identify with the Mormon faith are facing heartache of epic proportions lately. It seems as if on every turn there is some new thing that "quakes , or floods" their very existence.

THe church stands behind a Baker who refuses to make a Gay couple a cake. They say it is religious freedom. Well, so If someone decides they don't want to serve a Mormon at their establishment would that be religious freedom too?  Yes as businesses, you should have the right to refuse service to someone, but on the base of purely because of who they are?
Black, Latino, Gay?
How about Jewish?
Haven't we as a society come farther than that?

Why can't we just give an honest service to a paying courteous patron?

They are told repeatedly that this is a trial of this life and that in the next life they will be " free from this challenge"  And we wonder why they are killing themselves in droves.

They are told that as long as they don't " act on it " they are ok.
"Its just like those who never get a chance to marry in this life, They must follow the law of Chastity as well."    
Well, no not really. That person who hasn't been able to marry  can date, Hold hands, heck they can even Kiss someone.  They can have a relationship with another person. LGBT individuals are not afforded that option.

In Scripture it tells us it is not good for many to be alone. Men are that they might have Joy.

But we are to Believe that this only applies to Gods straight children?

I don't know what the answers are to many of these perplexing questions, but I do know this.
God loveth ALL his children. WE are taught that the first and great commandment is to Love God with all our Heart and the second is like unto it. Love thy neighbor as thyself.

This means it is not our place to judge them. Not our place to decide if they should be able to have the same rights as we do. Not our place to decide if they deserve our Love and friendship.
Now I am not always perfect at this, I am still learning and growing. But I think having a Gay son has taught me more about unconditional Love than I could have ever imagined.
IT has taught me to Look to my Savior as a guide to how I should treat others.

Their are those among us who are the casualties of the barrage of  insensitive comments, bullying, Terrorizing, and isolation.

So as you think about how you can help these victims of these tragedies around you, Look around at those who are facing these other tragedies . Think about how you can love a bit louder. To follow up those words of " I love everyone" with some actions.

Maybe start with just listening a bit more.
Ask them to tell you their perspective.... Their story.
Listen, Really listen.  
Practice having Empathy.

Just be a friend.
You don't have to agree with them.
Maybe they don't like that you like the Raiders ?
But they will still be a friend to you


Did we ask before we gave blood if it was going to a black, Jewish or Gay  person?  No
 WE just give it freely for anyone who needs it.

Do we ask if our donation is going to help a " Mexican" ?  Of course not
WE just want to help those who are in need.

We as members of the United States Live in one of the greatest countries in the World. Our cities have rallied around others who are in the war zones and in need of help. Don't look so far outside your backyard to think there aren't some right there.

Maybe you could consider Joining Mormons Building Bridges On Oct 20th for the annual Pride Parade, where you can Show your Love for some of Gods Children who could really use it right now.
THAT my friends is what the Savior would have us do. I think it is i these times of disaster and tragedy that true greatness can come. Maybe in the wake of these tragedies we can just look at each other as Human beings, who want and need love.

****AS a side note I am so proud to call Vegas my home . To see people in droves coming out to help. Lines of over 6 hours to give blood, Over 1.3 million raised for the victims. Uber and Lyft drivers offering rides for free to help those affected. First responders running in while everyone else was running out. Doctors and nurses from everywhere jumping in to help however is needed. Over 2500 listing for people of places to stay. Food being donated to Ronald MC Donald house and Red cross in droves. Way to step up and Bear one anothers burdens Las Vegas!!!

Can you feel it?

Have you ever really stopped to think about how someone else feels about something? 

I mean really?

WE encounter people frequently who seem to be rude , or angry, or sad, or maybe a little strange, and we pass judgement about them and move on. Never pausing to think about what might actually be going on in their life.

Brene' Brown  has several books on the subject, but this video will give you a brief but powerful lesson on Empathy

Empathy by Brene' Brown

Empathy Fuels connection, while sympathy drives disconnection. 

On my Journey of learning I have a gay son, I have learned a lot about empathy. Now I thought I was a pretty empathetic and compassionate person before , but There was so much for me to learn and discover. It really takes practice. 

If I just feel bad ( sympathy) that someone feels left out, or picked on,sad, or angry, there is no way for me to connect with them. They do not feel validated or heard. They will never feel as if I

 really care. 

But when I can try and understand where they are coming from. Try and put myself in their shoes.

WE can find a common ground. I  can begin to "FEEL " what they are feeling. 

With so much happening in the world right now with racial tensions and people "picking sides " for one thing or another, we can never come to a peaceful understanding. 

What I have also learned is that having empathy can be very painful. As I said before I thought I was a pretty compassionate person. I will bring you a meal, send you a card, run some errands whatever you need. Sometimes what they need is just someone to listen. Someone to understand. You don't 

have to agree with them, or even completely "get it"  to have empathy. 

I love this quote by Mother Theresa " if you are judging someone, you have no time to love them"

  

Now for those who don't know me, I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, or Mormon as some know it. 

When I was baptized I made a promise to take upon my self the name of Jesus Christ.

That I would follow him. 

In our scriptures  Mosiah 18:9 it makes it very clear what our commitment is.

9 Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life— 

My responsibility is to be a disciple of Christ. The first and great commandment is to "Love the Lord thy God with all thy hear and in all thy ways acknowledge him." The second is like unto it." Love thy neighbor as thyself."

Who is my Neighbor??

That is the question we must all ask ourselves and then realize that Everyone is our neighbor. The Savior wants us to love everyone. He needs us to look after one another. 

To help one another.

Charity is the pure love of Christ. 

I think so many people confuse loving and not judging with acceptance or condoning. WE will not always agree with others, we may not understand , but that does not mean we cannot love them or have empathy for them. 

It really made me sad when comments after the Pulse night club shooting were said in effect that." Well , look where they were . They deserved it." 

So because someone is gay and chose to hangout in a place where they were accepted for who they were, they deserved to be shot? 

OR comments after many of the  police shootings, "well, they were running away, they had a history of problems with the law "and on and on..

So again because they were not perfect and maybe they were scared and ran away, they deserved to be shot?? 

Is that what we have come to as a people? 

Now I am not here to be controversial . I am not judging the police officers, nor the victims, but can't we try and understand how the families of those who are killed are hurting? They just lost their  Father, Son, uncle , brother. 

Can we try and understand that most police officers are really just trying to protect and serve? That they are put in situations where they have to make snap judgments of what they think is best and there is no ill intent involved?  

Instead of taking a stand on our moral high ground, Can't we just try and find common ground? A human decency to look at them as another human being who is struggling with something right now? Probably more than we could ever imagine.

IT seems as if everyone thinks their opinion is the only one that matters. 

That they are right, and any other viewpoint is WRONG

I guess the best part of this should be that we don't have to carry the burden of being the judge in these situations. Our responsibility is to reach and and be understanding of all sides. Try and have a paradigm shift  and see it from the other persons point of view.   

Listen

Take it in

Try and step into their world for a minute

As a parent, we teach our children and set examples and hope they will follow them, but sometimes they make choices we don't agree with. Sometimes they find themselves in some dark places. 

Do we reach out in love to the parents or  even the individual? 

Or do we say. " well that's too bad.  It's their own fault." 

" They deserve it" 

Another such incident is at the Olympics when Gabby Douglas did not put her hand over her heart at the Medal ceremony. She was crucified all over social media for that.

 Why didn't she? 

 I don't know, but I don't really need to know. I would hope that it is not some disrespect for our country, but ultimately it is her right and choice to do so. 

I choose to think that maybe she was a bit overwhelmed having competed in her last Olympics, Having won a gold medal and was just taking it all in . 

Meaning no disrespect at all. 

To be in the spotlight of millions as you had a moment of contemplation and failed to do a simple act of placing your hand on your heart.

I certainly would not want a camera following my every move. To have every action I took scrutinized by the masses who expect their own version of perfection.

Well guess what ?? 

None of us are perfect

We all mess up sometimes. We all have had those lapses in judgement when handling a difficult situation.

AS we practice having Empathy for others our hearts will expand. WE will find a greater understanding and love we have not felt before. The down side to that is, that sometimes it can be very painful.

 Recently a friend of ours lost their 15 yr old daughter in a fluke incident when  she had an allergic reaction to an antibiotic  after having her wisdom teeth removed. 

The empathy I felt for them was almost unbearable. A friend actually posted a comment that she "felt guilty that she just kept crying"  She should not feel guilty. Her empathy for our friend did not negate the feelings of those parents. It just proved that she was truly feeling empathy . WE could put ourselves in her their shoes and "feel the hurt "of losing one of our children.

WE don't need to let it consume us, but if we are truly going to be able to comfort and mourn with others, we need to "feel it" 

That Empathy will fuel a connection that can be gained no other way 

I am no expert or authority on anything, just a mom who is trying to make the world a little better for her family and those around her.

It makes me sad to see the hatred and mean spirited things that are being done and said to others in the name of "principles" or for any reason.  

As a follower of Christ I am certainly not perfect, and I have much to learn, but I do strive to do what he would want me to do. I strive to be a little better. To love a little more, be a little kinder. Each day I have a choice in whom I will emulate and follow. 

Im sure there are people out there who wish I would just stop talking about or posting things about LGBT issues . 

I won't

I can't

If I can help one person who is traveling that journey not feel isolated and alone, then I have dome what my Savior requires of me. If I can keep one person from taking their life because they can reach out to me and know I will listen and be there for them, 

I will have done my job

If I can be there for a mother when she has to bury her child because they just couldn't bear the pain and they took their life, 

I will hug her and cry with her and give her all the support and understanding I can. 

They are children of God and they deserve the same rights and privileges that we enjoy. They deserve to find love and be loved.

I will be a voice of Hope 

There are so many difficult things we must face in this life. Our background and experiences are all different.WE all have different perspectives. Why not try and learn from those ? 

Maybe we could all try ..... Just try and give others the benefit of the doubt.

 Seek to truly understand where they might be coming from. IF you still disagree with them. 

That's ok. 

We can still be kind.

We can still show love and empathy.

We can agree to disagree ... Agreeably 

Maybe ... Just maybe we will find more peace in our own life.

My testimony

Our stake  has a Testimony tuesday and our ward was responsible to cover it for this month, so I thought I would share my testimony  here as well. Maybe something I say will help someone else feel they are not alone. 

When you grow up in  the  church, there is a plan laid out for you. Grow up, go to school, serve a mission if you are a young man, get married , have children, and Endure to the end, find your happily ever after , right?  Well, For some of us, maybe even many of us, Life doesn’t always take this  straight path. We tend to look at our lives, and think “ what did I do wrong?”  We hear the testimonies about how “ all my kids served missions, and married in the temple”  We hear the accolades of the eagle scout and the young woman who earned her YW  medallion at 14 etc etc. we hear about how life just seems to be going perfectly for everyone. That they have it all figured out and they have been so blessed.  Don’t get me wrong. That is wonderful for them, but If your life doesn’t match up to that, it can be difficult to listen to that over and over again. You can begin to feel  well… “Less than”

Over the last 48 years of my life my testimony has grown and evolved. And sometimes even faltered. I had to realize that sometimes I was practicing Satans plan with my children. “Just do it like I said” and we will all be happy . My boys lost interest in scouting and did not complete their eagle. There were various circumstances that played into that , which aren’t really critical at this point, but it  is important that I realized that the Lord loved them even if they didn’t fit that perfect mold . The most important thing for me as their mother was to love them and learn which battles were important to fight. Fighting about Projects and merit badges was not one of them.  Maintaining a positive relationship with my daughter was more important than fighting with her about whether she was working on her personal progress. Of learning that I didn’t want her to hate the church because they dictated to her this program she needed to follow.

  Again, I am not saying that it is not a good program. 

I earned mine as a senior in High school. I learned many great things that have helped me become a better person and mother, but there was not a driving force for my daughter to earn hers. Yes she completed some things, She participated in many activities  that could apply to the program, but I was not going to be able to “force” her to complete it. I had to learn that they had their agency, and even in church matters, I had to let them choose. I encourage and guide, but I can’t force. That does not make me a bad , or “less than” parent, and it does not make them bad kids.

Brad Wilcox has a talk out called “Learning,  not Earning Heaven” 

That is what The lord has been doing for me over the last 48 years of my life. HE is helping me to “learn Heaven”

Life has a way of teaching us great lessons, especially  when we find ourselves off what is viewed as the prescribed path. Another such instance was when our second son Tyler came out as gay. “How does a Mormon family end up with a gay son?” This was one of my first thoughts.

I didn’t know anyone else who was Mormon and Gay ( or so I thought) IT was during those next few days, months and now years, that I have learned some very profound lessons. I have learned that Heavenly Father is in control and is VERY aware of all of his children. I have learned that he trusted our family with this special spirit because he could trust that we would love him and have the courage to face this and help others face it as well. I have learned to Love in a whole new way. I have learned to see others as the Savior sees them. I have learned to really rely on my Heavenly Father to help me get through some very difficult times. I have had to really pray and ask for his help in understanding teachings and doctrines that seem so hurtful and unchristlike.

Have I had any profound answers as to Why people are born gay? No

Have I had any answers as to why the plan of happiness seems to exclude my son and so many others like him? Why  he would be sent here to earth to live alone, and never know the joy of having a family , and companionship? Why did it seem that this loving God that I believed in and trusted would sentence my son to this, would leave him out of this plan for his children ?

No, not  specifically ,  But I have had answers .

 I think this test is more for the rest of us . A test of how we are going to treat those who are different than us. How are we going to look after those sheep that don’t look, or act like we think they should.   Will we try and bring them into the fold and love them as God would , or discard them ?

I love music, and my Heavenly Father knows well he can talk to me through music. I have had some very profound messages through music , but I will just share 2 to illustrate some of what I have learned in these last few years.

The first one was early on in this “learning “ experience.

I was still quite troubled with the situation of our son being Gay, and  of the profound loss I felt for him and frankly for us too. That perfect little plan I had learned all my life just didn’t make sense anymore .My heart was aching for this boy of mine.

 I was at a Time out for Women event at the Cashman center . IF you have never attended , they are awesome. Anyway,  In between speakers, they have musical guests. That weekend , one of the guests was Dallyn Bayles. As he came onto the stage, and  the music began, my heart just about burst. My eyes certainly did. The music was that of a song By Michael Schultz called “He’s my son”  A song I had heard before ..

Here are the words to the song….I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow.
See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him,
He's my son.

This was a direct answer to my prayers.  Heavenly Father had put all these details in place of Bro. Bayles, getting permission to use Mr Schultz’s song in a public performance, I , obtaining a ticket and being in attendance at this venue to hear a profound message that He hears my prayers and he is there. That Tyler is his son too!

Needless to say that whole evening was very emotional for me. I didn’t have all the answers I sought, but I had a profound peace to just trust the Lord in this.That he is there watching over Tyler.

Another such Learning event was another time I was really struggling with things, and feeling very heavy with burdens. Church is difficult for me sometimes , as I never knew when I might hear some hurtful remarks. I know I love my Savior but sitting through lessons that talked about how evil gay people are, or Why people are just not strong enough who leave the church were more than I could take. They don’t know some of these people like I do. They don’t know my heart, or Tylers heart. But It is still so painful. I feel so isolated and alone at church many times. I go because I have children who I am responsible for, but sometimes  well... This one particular Sunday I just couldn’t do it, so I went to my car after sacrament to wait it out for my kids . I turned on the radio. ( I listen to the Christian radio station) and the first song that was playing was “Just be Held “ by Casting crowns.

Here are the lyrics…  Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held

So as you can probably see, Here again was another profound answer from my loving Heavenly Father In the parking lot of the chapel. I think the words explain the message perfectly.

Another song that played that day was “Breathe” By Johny Diaz. 

 Here is just a bit of the chorus…Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

These songs will randomly come on at times when I again need to be reminded of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, of his constant companionship with me in some turbulent waters. Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. He knows he can speak to me through music.

As a fitness trainer, we teach our clients about “Time under tension”  In order to strengthen our muscles, they need to be under tension, and the most growth comes when they are given “time under tension”

Our spirit is much the same way. When we are under tension( challenges/ trials) that is when we have the opportunity for the most growth. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing . He is trying to help us “learn” heaven and become the strong disciples he needs us to be . That requires us to spend “time under tension”  It is not pleasant , and sometimes is downright painful, but He will be right there with us cheering us on and counting the time until the tension can be released for maximum benefit.

So I know this seems like a novel, but as I contemplated my testimony and where I am today, this is at the core of what I feel compelled to share. IT is certainly not always easy, and I am sure that I frequently disappoint my Heavenly Father as I continue to try and “Learn” the lessons he is giving me. Those lessons which are shaping the person I am becoming . The Mother I am to my Children. The manner of Disciple I am trying to be . I have been asked the question of “why I stay in a church that is pushing my son and others like him away”  I stay because it is my church. I stay because I love my Savior. I stay because I trust my Savior and I am trying to learn all I can from Him.I trust that this loving God I know has a plan for ALL of his children. I stay because I have made covenants with Him, and I trust that the Tension he is putting me under is for my benefit. I stay because it is my responsibility to be a source of help and strength to others who are on this same path and need to know there is someone who knows and understands.

When I stumble and feel as if I can’t do it anymore, I am reminded to “Just Breathe” 

This life was never meant to be easy. If it was, there would be no growth. I continue to  try and learn the lessons that Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and do my best each day to be the kind of woman he sent me here to be.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen

He's my Son

I have thought a lot this last few  weeks about the lives that our LGBT children are faced with.
Maybe it's because of the Holidays and the challenges that comes with family gatherings and such.
I realized there is so much we just don't understand. I don't think it is as simple as "just keep your covenants " as many will profess
 My heart aches for Tyler and the choices he faces. Will he ever marry and have the companionship of a spouse? Will he be able to be a father? Will people love and be kind to him, or treat him with disdain and scorn? Will he have to worry about his  family having to choose between him and  and others? What about the eternities. Will he be denied that because of who he is? Does he know how wonderful he is? Does he see the value he holds in the Lords eyes?
How does it feel to have the  church you grew up with, not accept you , and worse yet condemn you?
As a mom we want to protect and help our children, but I find myself feeling very helpless sometimes. A friend introduced this song to me at a time when I really needed to hear it's message. Take a listen and then I'll tell you a little more about my experience.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YK3JR-4Wpg

I had heard this quite some time before and loved it's message, but I will never forget the time I attended a Time out for Womens conference a couple of years ago and one of the musical artists was Dallyn Bayles. As he came out on stage to sing one of his numbers, I immediately recognized the music.

 Yes , it was Mark Schultz's He's my son. In that very moment the words "can you hear me am I getting through tonight ." rang in my ears, as he answered and said "yes I hear you. I am aware and I am here." Needless to say I sobbed through the whole rest of the song. As I realized My Heavenly Father knew the prayer of my heart. That I was concerned for my son, that he answered me in such a way as I could not deny it.
Now if you  know much about music, you know that it is not always a simple task to take someone else song and sing it in a live performance. You have to obtain rights  pay royalties and so forth, and it takes a long time usually .  The ground work for this answer was laid long before that night I would sit in that auditorium . Mr Bayles brought an answer to prayer in a very familiar way for me. Many of my prayers have been answered through music , but none quite as powerful as  this.
This song helps remind me , that sometimes I just have to turn it over to the Lord, as he is his father first. It comforts a mothers aching heart for her son. AS I have not only Tyler, but 2 more sons and three beautiful daughters whom this song could reference as well.
No, It is not the  solution to the problems of this mortal life, but it was an answer of comfort that our Heavenly Father loves ME HE loves all of us .
He  loves our children, just as they are. HE understands and will give us comfort and guidance as we seek it.
If I could take that away from him I would , but we would not be the family we are today because we have been blessed to have Tyler in our family. To be blessed to open our eyes and our hearts to so many others just like him, who are beautiful children of God .
For me I just continue to Love and to Pray and hope for a better world not just for Tyler but for all, because  He's my son!