He's my Son

I have thought a lot this last few  weeks about the lives that our LGBT children are faced with.
Maybe it's because of the Holidays and the challenges that comes with family gatherings and such.
I realized there is so much we just don't understand. I don't think it is as simple as "just keep your covenants " as many will profess
 My heart aches for Tyler and the choices he faces. Will he ever marry and have the companionship of a spouse? Will he be able to be a father? Will people love and be kind to him, or treat him with disdain and scorn? Will he have to worry about his  family having to choose between him and  and others? What about the eternities. Will he be denied that because of who he is? Does he know how wonderful he is? Does he see the value he holds in the Lords eyes?
How does it feel to have the  church you grew up with, not accept you , and worse yet condemn you?
As a mom we want to protect and help our children, but I find myself feeling very helpless sometimes. A friend introduced this song to me at a time when I really needed to hear it's message. Take a listen and then I'll tell you a little more about my experience.

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YK3JR-4Wpg

I had heard this quite some time before and loved it's message, but I will never forget the time I attended a Time out for Womens conference a couple of years ago and one of the musical artists was Dallyn Bayles. As he came out on stage to sing one of his numbers, I immediately recognized the music.

 Yes , it was Mark Schultz's He's my son. In that very moment the words "can you hear me am I getting through tonight ." rang in my ears, as he answered and said "yes I hear you. I am aware and I am here." Needless to say I sobbed through the whole rest of the song. As I realized My Heavenly Father knew the prayer of my heart. That I was concerned for my son, that he answered me in such a way as I could not deny it.
Now if you  know much about music, you know that it is not always a simple task to take someone else song and sing it in a live performance. You have to obtain rights  pay royalties and so forth, and it takes a long time usually .  The ground work for this answer was laid long before that night I would sit in that auditorium . Mr Bayles brought an answer to prayer in a very familiar way for me. Many of my prayers have been answered through music , but none quite as powerful as  this.
This song helps remind me , that sometimes I just have to turn it over to the Lord, as he is his father first. It comforts a mothers aching heart for her son. AS I have not only Tyler, but 2 more sons and three beautiful daughters whom this song could reference as well.
No, It is not the  solution to the problems of this mortal life, but it was an answer of comfort that our Heavenly Father loves ME HE loves all of us .
He  loves our children, just as they are. HE understands and will give us comfort and guidance as we seek it.
If I could take that away from him I would , but we would not be the family we are today because we have been blessed to have Tyler in our family. To be blessed to open our eyes and our hearts to so many others just like him, who are beautiful children of God .
For me I just continue to Love and to Pray and hope for a better world not just for Tyler but for all, because  He's my son!

A different vision

This past weekend I had the opportunity to attend Time out for women in St George, Utah. My daughter was also able to go with us  and attend the time out for girls. It was a nice time away and fun bonding time with my mom, sister, daughter in law and a friend.







Kayla was most excited about hearing and meeting Hank Smith and John Bytheway.

 

We even won for the best picture reprentation of the theme .

The theme for the weekend was to Believe and Live HIGHER!
We heard messages about Forgiveness.
To just "let it go"

Matt 11:28 " Come unto me all that labour and are heavy laden and I will give you rest."

WE have options in this life. WE can choose.
We also learned to "check our assumptions"  That life is not always fair.

Emily Watts relayed her experience with riding a segway. She discovered that you have to "lean forward" in order to get it to move.  WE too must lean forward in order to progress.
Several speakers talked about the "bigger picture"  That we need to trust in the Lord who can see that "bigger picture"

Proverbs 29:18  Where there is no vision, the people perish.

What is our vision? Maybe we need to clean our glasses a bit so we can see a little better.
What is the "big picture"

Prior to our son coming out, we saw things much differently than we do now.We had to take a step back and reevaluate everything we thought we knew.
Another one of the speakers was Merilee Boyack . She started out great, but as she spoke of being "Warrior Women" ( which I think we are)  her topic turned to Tattoos ( my daughter in law has lots of them) and yes, She is from California, Prop 8 and the whole LGBT rights issue.  I found myself getting a little irritated. As she continued on and said we should "speak up for truth", I realized  this is what she feels her truth is, but I have my own. I have gained some truths over the last few years.

As she talked about "DEFENDING THE FAMILY  & PROTECTING CHILDREN"   I could stand and say Yes, I believe that is important too, but not the way she sees it.

Having fostered 43 children over about an 8 1/2 year time period and worked within my community in the child welfare arena, I have seen lots of children and families in crisis. As the president of the Foster care association here I worked quite closely with many families several of whom were gay.

Just this week, another one of my lesbian couples took in an infant from an abusive situation.

 Is their family not important?
Are they not protecting that child?
 Many children are being loved and sheltered and protected from harmful situations caused by "traditional families" . Now I am not here to bash those families, we all make mistakes and struggle, but it just does not seem right to me that we have this "vision " that the "traditional"  mom, dad, two kids and a dog, family is the only one that works. Even better if they are Mormon.right??
Seriously??
There is a huge range of differences in families , cultural, educational, religious, and many others.
Just look at the families in your circle of influence. Some are very outdoorsy and hike , bike,  spend hours at the gym. Some are very tidy. You are afraid to touch anything in their home. You know the ones. Some  think a little dirt never hurt anyone. It doesn't right?...
I know I left my shoes somewhere....
Anyway  ....
What about the over achievers who seem to never sleep and have their kids in 15 activities, attend the temple every month, are always on time for everything, they volunteer in their community and so on and so forth. I think we get the picture . Every family is different. We parent different, we celebrate differently, we look different.   I had a good friend who had twin boys and decided that was good for her. She always felt self conscious because aren't Mormon families supposed to have "lots' of children?
We are supposed to multiply and replenish the earth. There is no set number.
What about those who cannot bear children? 
We need to be less worried about the "details " and just focus on the spirit of what Heavenly Father intended. Do we love others. Do we serve. Do we protect children and bring them up in love and righteousness?   Are we good citizens and are we teaching our children these same values?
Here in Clark County alone we have an average over 300 children a month that come into care. I personally am grateful for all those families and sometimes even individuals who step up on behalf of these children to love them. To care for them. To teach them.To guide them.
 I don't care what their family dynamics are as long as they can provide those things. That is what makes a family. That is the "big picture " right?
I think our Heavenly Father is pleased as well, that  anyone is willing to step in and help another.

One of the scriptures Sis Boyack read was D&C 64:33-34
33 Wherefore, be not ^aweary in ^bwell-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of ^csmall things proceedeth that which is great.

34 Behold, the Lord ^arequireth the ^bheart and a ^cwilling mind; and the willing and ^dobedient shall ^eeat the good of the land of Zion in these last days.

When I read my scriptures, I try to think of
1. Why is this in here?
2. How does this apply to me?

As I reread this later,  it struck me that at this time many of us are laying the foundation of work within the LGBT Mormon community. Sometimes we can feel quite weary, but the Lord is letting us know that our efforts are important. WE need to be willing and obedient to what he is asking us to do and we will be blessed. I think many of us have a much clearer vision of "the Big Picture"
In turn that foundation will bless many others.

The last thing I want to share is D&C 68:6

6 Wherefore, be of good ^acheer, and do not ^bfear, for I the Lord am with you, and will stand by you; and ye shall bear record of me, even Jesus Christ, that I am the Son of the living God, that I ^cwas, that I am, and that I am to come.

Our Savior loves us , and just as he went to the pool of Bethesda to help those who needed to be healed, he is there for us as well. We can be of good Cheer. We can hold on to our faith and knowledge that the savior lives and loves us.

Sometimes we just need to clean off our glasses so we can clearly see.

Father forgive them

I read an article this week that really has had a profound effect on me. It was entitled the Saviors last lecture and it can be found here http://www.ldsmag.com/article/1/13506

The author discusses how the savior taught us about forgiveness .Hanging on the cross between two thieves, our Savior spoke in reference to his crucifiers, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.”

There are many things the Savior could have said in reference to his crucifiers. He could have said, “Father forgive them, for they will pay a price how great they know not.” He could have said, “Father, forgive them, for wrong hast been done unto them.” He could have said simply, “Father, forgive them.” However, in adding the explanation, “for they know not what they do,” The Savior taught us the secret to forgiveness.
She goes on to explain that many times people do not realize the hurt or pain that they cause by their actions. Most people are not trying to ruin our lives or inflict great pain. 

If we can operate on that assumption, we can more easily let go of the pain. 

I heard a quote one time that when we refuse to forgive, it is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The anger and pain can destroy us.

 

As I thought about circumstances in my life where someone  has caused me great pain, I can try and look at that from the standpoint that they may not even realize how badly that hurt. 

 

Now in the case of our son being Gay, we have had a few instances that are VERY painful, as I know some other families have experienced as well. A few people I know have had truly terrible and unchristlike things said about them  or their family member.  

Did they really mean to hurt them or us?

Not having walked in our shoes, do they really know what it is like? 

I think for the most part they probably don't. 

Does this make it all go away? Of course not, but I think maybe this can help some of us find a path to forgiveness for those who just don't understand our journey. 

 

For those who are on the outside watching maybe they can try and get to know our Gay family and Friends. They could try and get to know us and how we feel . Maybe it will give them pause to stop and pray to our Heavenly Father who created us and ask to have more compassion and empathy, ... or at least less judgement. 

As a mother we want to protect our children. We know they aren't perfect, but we love them fiercely and we want the best for them. Wouldn't you parents agree?

 

Imagine having that child now not invited to family functions, or having other family members kept away from them so they don't "rub off on them" . Being told they will "never be happy if they CHOOSE to live like that"  They would be " better off dead". 

To have a church that you have grown up in and loved for your whole life, suddenly have no place for you. Being told that "God does not make Gay people." HMMMM so where did I come from then? 

To be bullied and made fun of. To have people constantly talk behind your back. To face the prospect of living a life alone never having a close relationship with someone, never having children. In some states even being fired from your job just because you are gay.

Can you even try and imagine?   

I am not sure why Heavenly Father gave us this path , but I know that I can take my guidance from him and my Savior. I can bear anothers burdens. I can mourn with those that mourn,  I can Love unconditionally.

None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes and I think for the most part we are all doing our best. As much as I want to have that forgiveness available for me and my family, I know it is there for all who ask.

My job is to learn to better forgive, even when they  don't even seem to care.

 

The River

As I watched how differently my husband and I were dealing with this issue ,it occurred to me that we may be traveling the same journey, but we are in different boats.  These boats we are  traveling in
are filled with lots of holes .Doubt, anger, frustration, fear, loneliness, sadness, lack of understanding and many others.

We have to work on filling those holes so we can travel on our journey. Even within a family you will each have your own boat, and your own holes. We can help each other by trying to help patch those holes.
 Talk about it.
Help each other realize you are not alone. You may be experiencing some of the same feelings. Share websites and materials you have found helpful. Talk to those who you feel may be helpful, such as a Bishop or Stake President, maybe a youth leader. As a parent. Talk to your child. Ask them those things that you don't understand.
 We must also realize that there are some people who have speed boats with very little holes.

They just are traveling this journey at a different pace than you. Don't let that bother you. Don't add more holes to your boat.

Are the things we say and do poking holes in our boat, .... or maybe someone else's? Do you get angry because they "Just don't get it" Do you poke holes in someone else boat because they see things different than you?  Don't worry if your boat is not the prettiest, or fastest. Don't worry if someone passed you up. Life is hard, this journey is hard, but the greatest views are from the river , not the shore.

Standing on the shore will only give you a limited view. Have the courage to get in a boat, launch into this new experience . There are many on the river,  you do not travel it alone. Wave as they go by. Maybe someone will offer a little tug to help you along, or maybe you will do the "towing" sometimes. Sometimes just when you think it is going good, you will find yourself stuck in the "mire"

It happens to the best of us. Just readjust. Reevaluate. There will be people and circumstances that will come across your path on this journey that might push you off course. Maybe it will crash you into the rocks, or give you a wild ride through the rapids. HOLD ON.

Look for others on the river who can help you.

We have also seen in our family those who don't even want to get in the river. They refuse to be a part of the journey. As hard as that is, especially if they are close to you, you cannot let that affect your journey. It will be a hole in your boat, but you can patch it. Set out on your journey, Enjoy the views and report on the beautiful scenery. Someday they will want to join you. Maybe there are so many holes in their boat at this time that they would sink. See if you can patch any for them. Continue to report to them and let them know you want them to join you .Let them know you love them. Be wise and prayerful. There is ONE who is always with you and will guide you on your journey

Standing at the edge of the river ... Nervous , afraid. Go ahead . Grab your boat, I know there are some holes. Work on patching them up, but don't miss out on all the beautiful experiences that can be had by pushing out into    THE RIVER.