The tapestry of Life

Life can seem messy at times . Sometimes I even feel like things are just falling apart. I can't understand why God has given me this particular challenge. As I look back over my 47 years of life, I can see many times that there were threads being woven that I just thought were so out of place. I questioned whether God knew what he was doing and If I could really get through this. 

This image comes from a poem of unknown origin that was popularized by Corrie Ten Boom (author of The Hiding Place). Here it is:

My Life is but a weaving
between my Lord and me;
I cannot choose the colors
He worketh steadily.

Oft times He weaveth sorrow
And I, in foolish pride,
Forget He sees the upper,
And I the under side.

Not til the loom is silent
And the shuttles cease to fly,
Shall God unroll the canvas
And explain the reason why.

The dark threads are as needful
In the Weaver’s skillful hand,
As the threads of gold and silver
In the pattern He has planned.

He knows, He loves, He cares,
Nothing this truth can dim.
He gives His very best to those
Who leave the choice with Him.

I had the opportunity to watch for the second time the Movie Do you Believe ( see trailer Here)

 It is one of the best and most profound movies I have seen in a long time. IT follows the lives of 12 people and their journey to find the Savior. In the end it talks about this tapestry that God is weaving.
On this side of heaven, though, we stand behind the tapestry and usually see only the knotted ends and frayed edges of what God is doing. If we could get “on the other side” of the tapestry, we could see God doing something beautiful, but we live on the underside with painful circumstances and God’s purposes unclear.
WE doubt and question if that is really how it should be.

As I think back to February of 2011 when our son Tyler came out to us as Gay, I totally thought that I had fallen into the twilight zone. How does a Mormon family end up with a gay son? Tyler was such a sweet, loving, helpful, and all around good kid. How could he possibly be gay? Those threads being woven into my tapestry and His for that matter seemed so out of place.

 How could this possibly be what our Heavenly Father wanted for our family?

 Now 4 + years later I still don't completely understand, but I am beginning to see that picture more clearly. Our tapestry has taken on a beautiful thread and quality that never would have been there otherwise. The same is true with our 2 girls we adopted. The challenges some days seem insurmountable, but I cannot imagine our lives without these two extra princesses in our family.


Our job is to learn to trust the master weaver. To trust in his divine role of creator . One day we will be able to see the masterpiece that he has created,
but for now we must learn to just trust.
I am sure that one day when we can see the " other side" and we see each different thread and the detail and accents that it adds to the tapestry,
it will all make sense.

The Lord will lead us

This post is different from my other posts which address our journey of having a gay son and becoming an ally for the LGBT community.

The interesting part of life is that we take many different journeys that we may not have expected.
I did not expect to have to deal with 3 deaths in the matter of a year and a half . ( My dad , Step dad , and brother)

I did not expect that I would become involved in foster care  let alone adopt 2 children.

I could never have imagined how different our life would be when Aimee and I had that first conversation on our morning walk about adoption. That sparked an interest in me that lead me to foster care. I already had 4 children of my own. It wasn't that I felt the need to adopt.
I just thought" We could bring another child into our home to help them for a while"

Yes I had all those doubts and fears.
Could I do it?
What if I get attached?
How can I give them back?

The impression that this is what we should do was stronger than the fears , so we proceeded. Not sure that Wesley thought it was such a good idea, but he went along for the ride.    

Our first placement came in 2003 and boy were we in for a shock . Miss M was 5 and had been involved in the "system" for most of her life. I remember the first time we took her to church with us and they removed the white sheet covering the sacrament table. Miss M loudly exclaimed. "Who died up there"

What had this poor little one seen? What must her life had been like.?
Needless to say that placement  was a trial by fire, and we almost decided to hang up our Foster parenting hat. After approx. 6 months they moved her into a therapeutic placement as she never should have been placed in a family with other children.

the Caseworker and therapists who worked on that case apologized for the poor placement, and encouraged us to try again as this was just a rough experience. WE did so..

AS a side note, about 4 months after miss M left our home we received a call from her therapist . She explained that  Miss M would be going to Florida to live with her Great aunt and uncle. they asked her if there was anything she wanted to do or anyone she wanted to see before she left, as she would probably never be back. She wanted to come see us and say goodbye.

This gave me great pause as to the impact we can have. This child created so much chaos in our home. I can honestly say I did not really like her very much. I cared about her and wanted her to be safe, but realized that some of these children needed more than I could give them.

Yet in that brief few months she felt something that she had not before . I can't speak for her as to specifically how she felt, but since her Biological mom, grandma,  Aunt and Uncle all lived here, and whom she had spent most of the first years of her life with , yet she did not want to see them.
She wanted to see us. We had given her .... love, hope, safety.

I realized what we do matters. I could make a difference for a child whether it was for 2 days 2 months or 2 years.

So we continued on our journey. Ultimately fostering 43 children. 2 of whom we adopted.
We never intended to adopt, but the saying is. IF you foster long enough you will end up adopting.

1 Nephi 17:13 says...  And I Will also be your light in the wilderness; and I Will prepare the way before you if it so be that ye shall  keep my commandments; wherefore inasmuch as ye shall keep my commandments ye shall be led towards the promised land; and ye shall know that it is by me that ye are led.

This scripture has brought comfort to me many times on my journeys in life. He will lead us where he wants us to go if we let him.

Our 2 new daughters did not come without challenges. One we spent almost a month in the hospital after discovering that the effects of her moms drug abuse had burnt her lungs and caused her intestinal issues. I had people who would say to me .
"Why do you stay at the hospital. It's not even your baby?"
Yes, She was my baby. I was all she had. For that specified time I had been called on to be her mom and to be there for her. I could not imagine leaving that tiny little 5 lb  baby there all alone.
Was it difficult having 5 other children at home who also needed their mother, Sure.
WE did what we felt was best. Our kids had to step up and help more, they had to look outside themselves and realize they could do something for someone else.
They learned the world did not revolve around them, and that was ok.
In this trial blessings came.
I could see that Heavenly Father led us through what I could never have imagined. I don't know that my other children were grateful at the time, but I think as they get older they can see the blessings  too.

Of course the ward was a big help also.
  

Fast forward a few years , and the challenges began to increase . Children who are born addicted and or exposed to drugs face a whole host of challenges as they grow up. WE were unprepared for the challenges that lie ahead of us. I could never have imagined how much chaos one little child could bring.
Now we had some rough cases and understandably so based on what they had experienced, but these children had been with us for a long time. Miss S since she was almost 10 months old and Miss A we got right from the hospital. They had been in our home for years now.

I had embarked on a journey that would try my patience as nothing else had. I would find myself on my knees pleading for understanding and help.
I had been a parent to over 40 children yet I felt like a failure.

I LOVED  Miss S, but I did not really LIKE her some times.  "She's so cute" people would say. Yes she is, but you try living with her.
I am sure some of you just think I am a horrible mom for saying that. It is nothing that I have not felt myself.
 But having talked to many other foster and adoptive moms , many of us have felt this. It is just the reality. Even in biological families , they are not all perfect.
It's really easy to try and give advice and judge when you don't have to live it.
Everyone's trials come in different forms.
As we continue to work with Psychiatrists , Psychologists, and therapists,  we keep trudging along on our journey.
We have highs and lows.
We seek out help.
We know we cannot do this alone.
We don't have to do it alone.
We still have a long way to go in this journey, but the experiences and views we have gained could never have come without us trusting in those promptings and allowing the Lord to lead us on this path.

Is our life different now??
Of course, but I could not imagine not having Miss S and Miss A in our family.

Do I regret it??
NO

I have learned that the Lord is aware and loves ALL of his children.
HE will put people in their path to help them.
HE was their Father before they were mine.
I may not know all the answers, but He does.
I have to try and see them as HE sees them. A precious child of God .
I have to learn more patience and understanding and most of all that HE is in charge and if I turn to him everything will be ok.

As I look at the parallels in these journeys, Foster care and adoption, and having a gay son, they are so similar.
There are highs and lows.
We don't have all the answers, and that is OK.
We just need to trust HIM  and follow the promptings that we get.
Allow him to lead us on this journey.