My testimony

Our stake  has a Testimony tuesday and our ward was responsible to cover it for this month, so I thought I would share my testimony  here as well. Maybe something I say will help someone else feel they are not alone. 

When you grow up in  the  church, there is a plan laid out for you. Grow up, go to school, serve a mission if you are a young man, get married , have children, and Endure to the end, find your happily ever after , right?  Well, For some of us, maybe even many of us, Life doesn’t always take this  straight path. We tend to look at our lives, and think “ what did I do wrong?”  We hear the testimonies about how “ all my kids served missions, and married in the temple”  We hear the accolades of the eagle scout and the young woman who earned her YW  medallion at 14 etc etc. we hear about how life just seems to be going perfectly for everyone. That they have it all figured out and they have been so blessed.  Don’t get me wrong. That is wonderful for them, but If your life doesn’t match up to that, it can be difficult to listen to that over and over again. You can begin to feel  well… “Less than”

Over the last 48 years of my life my testimony has grown and evolved. And sometimes even faltered. I had to realize that sometimes I was practicing Satans plan with my children. “Just do it like I said” and we will all be happy . My boys lost interest in scouting and did not complete their eagle. There were various circumstances that played into that , which aren’t really critical at this point, but it  is important that I realized that the Lord loved them even if they didn’t fit that perfect mold . The most important thing for me as their mother was to love them and learn which battles were important to fight. Fighting about Projects and merit badges was not one of them.  Maintaining a positive relationship with my daughter was more important than fighting with her about whether she was working on her personal progress. Of learning that I didn’t want her to hate the church because they dictated to her this program she needed to follow.

  Again, I am not saying that it is not a good program. 

I earned mine as a senior in High school. I learned many great things that have helped me become a better person and mother, but there was not a driving force for my daughter to earn hers. Yes she completed some things, She participated in many activities  that could apply to the program, but I was not going to be able to “force” her to complete it. I had to learn that they had their agency, and even in church matters, I had to let them choose. I encourage and guide, but I can’t force. That does not make me a bad , or “less than” parent, and it does not make them bad kids.

Brad Wilcox has a talk out called “Learning,  not Earning Heaven” 

That is what The lord has been doing for me over the last 48 years of my life. HE is helping me to “learn Heaven”

Life has a way of teaching us great lessons, especially  when we find ourselves off what is viewed as the prescribed path. Another such instance was when our second son Tyler came out as gay. “How does a Mormon family end up with a gay son?” This was one of my first thoughts.

I didn’t know anyone else who was Mormon and Gay ( or so I thought) IT was during those next few days, months and now years, that I have learned some very profound lessons. I have learned that Heavenly Father is in control and is VERY aware of all of his children. I have learned that he trusted our family with this special spirit because he could trust that we would love him and have the courage to face this and help others face it as well. I have learned to Love in a whole new way. I have learned to see others as the Savior sees them. I have learned to really rely on my Heavenly Father to help me get through some very difficult times. I have had to really pray and ask for his help in understanding teachings and doctrines that seem so hurtful and unchristlike.

Have I had any profound answers as to Why people are born gay? No

Have I had any answers as to why the plan of happiness seems to exclude my son and so many others like him? Why  he would be sent here to earth to live alone, and never know the joy of having a family , and companionship? Why did it seem that this loving God that I believed in and trusted would sentence my son to this, would leave him out of this plan for his children ?

No, not  specifically ,  But I have had answers .

 I think this test is more for the rest of us . A test of how we are going to treat those who are different than us. How are we going to look after those sheep that don’t look, or act like we think they should.   Will we try and bring them into the fold and love them as God would , or discard them ?

I love music, and my Heavenly Father knows well he can talk to me through music. I have had some very profound messages through music , but I will just share 2 to illustrate some of what I have learned in these last few years.

The first one was early on in this “learning “ experience.

I was still quite troubled with the situation of our son being Gay, and  of the profound loss I felt for him and frankly for us too. That perfect little plan I had learned all my life just didn’t make sense anymore .My heart was aching for this boy of mine.

 I was at a Time out for Women event at the Cashman center . IF you have never attended , they are awesome. Anyway,  In between speakers, they have musical guests. That weekend , one of the guests was Dallyn Bayles. As he came onto the stage, and  the music began, my heart just about burst. My eyes certainly did. The music was that of a song By Michael Schultz called “He’s my son”  A song I had heard before ..

Here are the words to the song….I'm down on my knees again tonight,
I'm hoping this prayer will turn out right.
See, there is a boy that needs Your help.
I've done all that I can do myself
His mother is tired,
I'm sure You can understand.
Each night as he sleeps
She goes in to hold his hand,
And she tries
Not to cry
As the tears fill her eyes.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Sometimes late at night I watch him sleep,
I dream of the boy he'd like to be.
I try to be strong and see him through,
But God, who he needs right now is You.
Let him grow old,
Live life without this fear.
What would I be
Living without him here?
He's so tired,
And he's scared
Let him know that You're there.

Can You hear me?

Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place some how.
See, he's not just anyone, he's my son.

Can You hear me?
Am I getting through tonight?
Can You see him?
Can You make him feel all right?
If You can hear me
Let me take his place somehow.
See, he's not just anyone.

Can You hear me?
Can You see him?
Please don't leave him,
He's my son.

This was a direct answer to my prayers.  Heavenly Father had put all these details in place of Bro. Bayles, getting permission to use Mr Schultz’s song in a public performance, I , obtaining a ticket and being in attendance at this venue to hear a profound message that He hears my prayers and he is there. That Tyler is his son too!

Needless to say that whole evening was very emotional for me. I didn’t have all the answers I sought, but I had a profound peace to just trust the Lord in this.That he is there watching over Tyler.

Another such Learning event was another time I was really struggling with things, and feeling very heavy with burdens. Church is difficult for me sometimes , as I never knew when I might hear some hurtful remarks. I know I love my Savior but sitting through lessons that talked about how evil gay people are, or Why people are just not strong enough who leave the church were more than I could take. They don’t know some of these people like I do. They don’t know my heart, or Tylers heart. But It is still so painful. I feel so isolated and alone at church many times. I go because I have children who I am responsible for, but sometimes  well... This one particular Sunday I just couldn’t do it, so I went to my car after sacrament to wait it out for my kids . I turned on the radio. ( I listen to the Christian radio station) and the first song that was playing was “Just be Held “ by Casting crowns.

Here are the lyrics…  Hold it all together, everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere and barely leaves you holding on

And when you're tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There's freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

If your eyes are on the storm you'll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross you'll know I always have and I always will

And not a tear is wasted
In time, you'll understand
I'm painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held
Just be held
Just be held

Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where youll find Me
And where you are, I'll hold your heart
I'll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won't let go

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away
You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place
I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held (stop holding on)
Just be held

So as you can probably see, Here again was another profound answer from my loving Heavenly Father In the parking lot of the chapel. I think the words explain the message perfectly.

Another song that played that day was “Breathe” By Johny Diaz. 

 Here is just a bit of the chorus…Breathe, just breathe
Come and rest at My feet
And be, just be
Chaos calls but all you really need
Is to just breathe

These songs will randomly come on at times when I again need to be reminded of my Heavenly Fathers love for me, of his constant companionship with me in some turbulent waters. Heavenly Father knows me and loves me. He knows he can speak to me through music.

As a fitness trainer, we teach our clients about “Time under tension”  In order to strengthen our muscles, they need to be under tension, and the most growth comes when they are given “time under tension”

Our spirit is much the same way. When we are under tension( challenges/ trials) that is when we have the opportunity for the most growth. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing . He is trying to help us “learn” heaven and become the strong disciples he needs us to be . That requires us to spend “time under tension”  It is not pleasant , and sometimes is downright painful, but He will be right there with us cheering us on and counting the time until the tension can be released for maximum benefit.

So I know this seems like a novel, but as I contemplated my testimony and where I am today, this is at the core of what I feel compelled to share. IT is certainly not always easy, and I am sure that I frequently disappoint my Heavenly Father as I continue to try and “Learn” the lessons he is giving me. Those lessons which are shaping the person I am becoming . The Mother I am to my Children. The manner of Disciple I am trying to be . I have been asked the question of “why I stay in a church that is pushing my son and others like him away”  I stay because it is my church. I stay because I love my Savior. I stay because I trust my Savior and I am trying to learn all I can from Him.I trust that this loving God I know has a plan for ALL of his children. I stay because I have made covenants with Him, and I trust that the Tension he is putting me under is for my benefit. I stay because it is my responsibility to be a source of help and strength to others who are on this same path and need to know there is someone who knows and understands.

When I stumble and feel as if I can’t do it anymore, I am reminded to “Just Breathe” 

This life was never meant to be easy. If it was, there would be no growth. I continue to  try and learn the lessons that Heavenly Father wants me to learn, and do my best each day to be the kind of woman he sent me here to be.

In the name of Jesus Christ Amen